Content warning: discussions of suicide
This is a very personal story. It’s not easy to share, but I believe stories are really important and are what make us human. They have the power to do good, to spark change and to make people feel less alone.
In April 2026 am running the London Marathon raising money for Mind, an amazing charity who support people with mental health challenges, raise awareness and fight for change from governments and people with power.
Why I’m sharing my story
I opened up the ‘team Mind’ Facebook page and read introductions from all these brilliant people running in tribute after friends or family members died by suicide.
It made me incredibly emotional because I didn’t die. I took an overdose when I was 16. I don’t call it a suicide attempt because I don’t think it was that. I think it was a cry for help, an impulsive reaction and part of wider circumstances which I created my own stories around. But it happened.
Shame
I have carried so much shame about this my whole life. So much shame.
This year I had counselling with West Kent Mind*. The first time I’ve had counselling and it was such a weird experience at first, but completely transformative by the end. It hasn’t ‘fixed’ me (I’m not broken), I still have mental health challenges, and struggle with all sorts of things in my brain, but it helped me SO much. It helped me to understand myself a little bit more, to reflect and learn and forgive.
I haven’t spoken about this ever, anywhere. Barely even at the time, that I remember. I wanted to hide under a rock and pretend it never happened. I felt ridiculous and like the worst person in the world, like I had let everyone down. My family, my poor parents and brothers, my friends, school, everyone I knew. I felt so embarrassed going back to school, like every single person knew (which they probably did) and was judging me for being a stupid, terrible human.
I have carried those feelings for 20 years, which seems incredible to say that. I hadn’t realised how much of an impact it had on me, these internal feelings that just don’t disappear on their own.
Forgiveness
As I’m writing this, part of my brain is saying that it feels incredibly selfish and self indulgent. Like ‘this is my fault I caused it’…. But this is the point, I have to learn that it is not my fault, to understand and forgive myself for the choices I made. To recognise that I didn’t understand the world or know how to navigate situations, I didn’t know how to ask for help or to talk about things - or even if I did a bit, I couldn’t.
This is a really important moment to say that my parents and family are incredibly supportive and loving and this is not on them in the slightest. I can only imagine how it actually feels to be in their position (especially now, as I have my own children) and have carried that guilt with me for so long.
Shame is an incredibly difficult feeling to navigate and one that often remains deeply hidden. When we talk about it, it doesn’t have the same power and I want people to remember that.
My ‘Why’
This is only a small part of my story, the world doesn’t need the ins and outs of my life, there are all sorts of struggles I’ve carried in different ways. But I felt like this bit was important. I am lucky, because I am here and I really believe in the power of sharing stories.
After reading about those poor people who have lost loved ones to suicide, that part of my brain made me feel like a bit of a fraud thinking ‘well I’m kind of running it for myself in a way’.
But I’m not running it for myself at all. I’m running it for my children, for my husband, my family, for my friends, for people I meet like those through my watercolour workshops I’ve run with West Kent Mind*, for people I don’t know, for the benefit of society (that sounds really grand but it’s true).
I want to shout about how important mental health support is for EVERYONE. How conversations around mental health need to be everyday conversations, like the way we talk about physical health, and to be met and understood with the same value and support.
Hope for Change
I don’t want anyone to struggle with finding the right person to talk to, or knowing how to talk about their challenges and feelings, or for their financial situation to prevent them from accessing the help they need. I am a realist, I understand humans have challenges all the time and they won’t disappear, but if we as a society were better at these kind of open conversations, if we listened and understood each other, respected the humanity of individuals and nuances of everyone's own experience. I think the world would be in a very different place.
And yes, I’m running it for myself too. Because running helps my brain, one of a handful of tools I use to support my own mental health (as well as drawing and painting) and I am grateful to be in the privileged position to be able to do that.
So thank you Mind for having me on your team, I am proud to be supporting something I believe in so strongly and look forward to raising as much money as I can to support your wonderful work.
*For clarity, West Kent Mind are a separate charity but are my brilliant local branch of the national Mind charity, who I am running for.
Support
If you would like to help me raise as much as I can in support of Mind and the vital work they do for people who are struggling, but also beyond that, for the better future they are helping to shape, then I have included a button below to my Just Giving Page.
If you would like to find out more about Mind, the work they do or explore ways they might be able to support you, you can visit their website here.
